great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
