If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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