end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Randomize
