I cockslap morals
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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