im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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