Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
