she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
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