Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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