Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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