Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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