hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
