he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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