Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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