I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
