Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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