I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
