I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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