You made me cry and you don't even care
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Duck Duck Cougar?
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
