think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
