i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
