i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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