I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
