1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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