On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
