I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I got inside last night via doggy door
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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