drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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