My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
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