I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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