It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
