I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
