Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
he thought i was a dude.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
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