I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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