I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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