The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize