I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
