My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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