while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
