White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
