I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
