The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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