your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
