I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
