So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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