Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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