Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
