sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
