I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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