dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I think I sprained my soul last night
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
i believe in u and ur pee
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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