Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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