The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
