omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize