so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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