He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I deserve this hangover.
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