I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
