I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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