If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You dont lie about slip and slides
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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