It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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