Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Hippo gnu deer
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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